Right In Between.

The sound of raindrops sets the mood. Their cries echo in the cold concrete room. The rain leaves me feeling jaded and cynical. Leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Every drop, every sound resonates so closely that it feels as if they shake the ground I am standing on. The room is dingy, bitter, raw. The only illumination is an almost lifeless bulb. It flickers somewhere high in the distant sky, or whatever void my shaky heart beats beneath. The light is so vague and all it offers is the shadow of my flawed and callused feet. They point in the direction of an ambiguous staircase. Taking a few steps forward I find myself standing at the bottom of the narrow stairs, facing an undetermined future. I feel helpless and cowardly. The numbing floor has frozen my feet and thinking I am smarter than my circumstances I convince myself that the first step couldn’t be as bad as what I currently face. Courage has drawn me close. Grabbing the damp, chilled railing of the slim stairs I take my first step. Overly confident and borderline cocky, I slip. And finding myself right back at the beginning shouting in frustration. The tears roll down porcelain cheeks but are thwarted in their path as they freeze mid-cheek. My face feels cracked and unfamiliar. A wind passes through, and quieter than a single breath a whisper says, “try again.” Options few, my hands clutch the tight railings of the restricted staircase. This time, using a little more caution and a lot more faith I find myself standing on the first step. Two, three, four, five. Climbing higher and higher. The narrow staircase makes me feel inadequate yet liberated. The raindrops that once left me cynical and jaded, I now find an encouraging melody. I am still flawed. I am still in pieces. But there is something about the light that flickers in the distance. It tempts me to come farther. It gives off some ounce of warmth that the cold and solid floor couldn’t offer. So in the midst of tears and brokenness, raindrops soaking my heads, I continue my climb up a narrow staircase.

Here's To Love & Cheap Champagne.

I rang in 2008, sitting in one of my best friends basements. Raising plastic cups with cheap champagne and hugging my closest friends. Kissing good-bye the hardest year of my life and eagerly anticipating a fresh start. I awaited the new year knowing that there was more in store for me than a hardened heart and broken spirit. I knew that waiting for me on the other side of 12:00 was a year of experience and growing. I knew that Australia was awaiting my arrival in less then a month and my patience was slowly diminishing. Getting away from the current state my soul existed and breaking into a foreign place where I could be whoever I wanted. No longer would I remain tied to my circumstances, my influences, nor the calamity I was choking on.
In a country known as the ‘land down under’ I was ready to commence on my journey of self-discovery. And maybe even more than a journey you could call it my escape, my run-away, or my jailbreak. Whatever you want to call it.. it was my chance to learn how to breathe again. So off I went, a girl who lost herself in 2007. She was scared that the cement in her lungs may never allow her to breathe again. She was terrified she might fail. She was a nervous-excited for the potential in this adventure. And I say ‘she’ because the girl that left for Oz, is not the same one that returned.
Over the last year I have learnt many lessons. Lessons about life and love. I learnt that the people who matter most will always be there no matter how you hurt them or they hurt you. I learnt that I am independent and I can do things on my own. I learnt that it’s okay to be vulnerable. Life can hurt, hearts can break, messes can be made, and tears most definitely can be shed. I learnt that family doesn’t always come from blood. You have a given family, and a chosen one. I learnt that love is found in strange places and sometimes that love will make you wait. I learnt that it is important to have faith that moves mountains, but it is okay to be in your own wilderness. People let you down time and time again, but don’t let the pain bruise your heart. There is power in humbleness and forgiveness. I learnt that trying new things is fun, even if it ends up sucking! I learnt that being positive and trying to look at the sunny side of things is the better path. There is good in everyone even if it’s hard to find; there is love for loveless. It is important to recognize what you have and not take people or things for granted. I learnt that you can’t let people make you feel obligated and guilty. I learnt that you have to do what is right for you sometimes, even if other people demand different. I learnt that guilt is not a healthy feeling. I learnt that if you get to know anyone enough you can find a connection, no matter what age, race, sex, religion, lifestyle, or class. If you listen more than you talk you learn a lot. Everyone has a story and everyone is searching. I learnt that I am organized and responsible in a messy way! I learnt that I enjoy creativity and standing out, they make my heart beat. I am truly blessed. Really 2008 held a lot of lessons for me and I could continue this list for a huge duration of time, but I won’t bore you anymore. Maybe you didn’t even make it this far, but I hope that 2008 held many lessons for you and that 2009 will be full of love, lessons, laughter, tears, surprises, joy, pain, all of it. Love life, love people, because above everything else love is all we need. Cliche or not. It’s truth.

Fear in the Front Seat.

The cuffs are too tight and they leave the wrists bruised and bloody. Fear is a crippler. Just another handicap that restrains tortured souls. It haunts every thought and dream preventing us from any significant amount of progress. We purchase this bottle of poison willingly. We would even fight another for the last bottle on the shelf. Ignorance is hardly bliss yet we ignore the warnings on the label and consume on our own free will. Back down from that shelf. You are not a magnet. Lower your shaking hands. Open your glazed over eyes and stop. Look at what the deterrent says. Toxic, corrosive, irritant, explosive, harmful to the environment. All of those things are running through our veins because we chose to ingest- contently uneducated. Day in and day out we live with our jaws stretched open. Maybe at one time we didn’t devour this fear on our own accord. Only now it isn’t so painful because we have adapted to the sensation and maybe even grown to enjoy it. Now it is simply as if we are being spoon-fed. Fear masks our every suspicion. Paranoia is the restraint that ties us to our own grave. We quickly find ourselves skeptical of anything that sounds just slightly too good to be true. Fear just seems so much easier than trust. It’s our self-destructive way of protecting ourself. Fear has nothing to do with love and everything to do with retribution.

Superheroes Cry Too.

And he said to me: “If it were up to us to save the world.. we’d be screwed.”
My boyfriend is a smart boy. Too mature for his age and a heart that’s too big for his chest. Last night as a l lay in bed, with my duvet suffocating my every breath and tears streaming down my face I was gently soothed by the words of a boy who deserves a better title. Sometimes words are only words, and sometimes they are so much more. If I asked anyone of you I bet that 9 out of 10 would say that sometimes they feel like they can’t do it or that they aren’t good enough. Maybe even all 10 would agree. And here I lay in my bed- just last night, broken and numb. Clingy to the false perception that I am in no way good enough. Reality check sweetie, you will never be perfect- whatever that even means. But guess what? It’s okay.
Last night I stared reality in the face. I can’t save the world. Who doesn’t want to be a superhero? Who doesn’t want to do all they can to save humankind? Who doesn’t want to see this world in a better state then it currently is? Reality tells me that I can’t erase the darkness of this world. At the same time it tells me that I can help.
It isn’t me. Nor was it ever me. I wasn’t created a girl to save the world. But I was created to make a difference. Bring some light. And more simple then all of that.. love. If it were up to any of us, we couldn’t save the universe. We would all end up in ruins. Probably in an even more messed up state then we find ourselves. We weren’t asked to be something we aren’t. And we were not asked to do a job that isn’t ours.
There is a prominent force in this world. A benevolent one that is out there with us, day in and day out. He is the one that will bring this world to peace. That will have this planet on it’s knees. He will restore all of the broken and bring justice to a species in need.
So in the mean time, when life gets rough, when things feel hopeless, always cling to the truth that there is a promise our desperate world will be saved.
Bring your weary, worn out soul, and rest it in the only thing that breathes life back into the lungs of a collapsed spirit.
In one conversation. One prayer. One reminder of love and hope. I learnt many things. Things I may have known. But needed a firm reminder of. My boyfriend is a smart boy. And he said to me: “If it were up to us to save the world.. we’d be screwed.”

The Contour of an Exposed Disaster.

I find myself sitting at your feet once again. It’s that place I find myself when I hang my pride-filled coat at the door. My eyes are wet with tears and my heart heavy with this craving that is never satisfied. My body is bruised, I hope you can recognize me because I surely don’t. How is it that I arrived in this desert? So dry and so in need of a cup of water. Bare-boned and exposed I feel ashamed sitting in front of you. My silhouette is dark and my limbs have been stripped of the clothes that covered up this broken soul. Sometimes it just feels like this disease running through my veins and pounding through my chest.
This is when you tell me that I am free from the ropes that bind me to this floor. This is when you tell me that I never had you fooled. This is when you place your loving hand upon my breaking back and support this twisted spine. Still I am not sure if I feel you there or if maybe I am still numb from the damage I have done. For someone like you to love a creature like me seems surreal. My mind just can’t comprehend your perfection. You desire to make me whole and I can’t get past the fact that I never feel good enough. Maybe I am scared of letting you down or maybe I am scared of not being in control. You know- so maybe you should tell me.
How is it that I can recite the proper words off by heart, like the songs I learned as a child, but I can’t fuse it to this heavy heart? All I know, and maybe all I need to be aware of right now is that you are still my beloved and I am still yours while I sit in this desert.

My New Garden

Sometimes it feels as if this life is one giant competition. Not one that any of us remember signing up for. Not one that we are sure how to be significant contenders in. We are born into it. Messy and naked. Taken from the warm world we once thought was home. We are then slapped on the butt with an unfamiliar hand and told that it’s already begun and we are to jump on in.
Excuse the exaggeration. There is a few years of innocence, a few years of education, a few years of, let’s say “training”. Then our blinders are removed and there it is. The race we all must inevitably join.
What is it that began while we felt warm and secure? Honestly, it started long before the day we were warm and secure. It started with a man and a women. (Doesn’t it always?) They lived in this garden, a perfect one. One that any of us would have been more than comfortable in. With only one rule to follow- “do not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil.” With many other delicious fruits amongst them, this doesn’t seem too hard now does it? False, these two people, Adam and Eve, they were human too. Imperfect and broken, just as we are. Curious. Falling into temptation. Falling into the desire to gain more. And to go to any lengths to do so. Sadly, this rule was dismissed and ignored, and now here we are, ages down the road in a far more broken world than probably ever before. I can’t say that I blame the two of them. We were created with the ability to make choices. Good, bad. We choose. Unfortunately we don’t always make the right choice do we? I will be the first to admit that I would have failed too. Adam and Eve. Two names that will be spoken of for as long as the world survives. Pretty epic right?
Back to that whole idea of having a desire to attain something. Eve was tempted by a disgusting creature. She probably thought, “what’s the harm? I am about to gain complete knowledge of what is right and what is wrong.” If she was anything like me, she probably wrestled the thought out between her head and her heart. One saying ‘go’, the other saying ‘stop, please.’ Go is so much more fun than stop. One bite taken and then she shares this not-so-lucky fate with Adam. One decision changed a lifetime. Changed everything that was meant to be. This is our world.
Too often it feels like this life is a tournament. That we have to somehow gain more. That we have to climb higher and higher. All in the effort to become the best, the wisest, the prettiest, the most famous, whichever it may be. What do we do to get there though? Do we step on peoples toes? Do we lie, cheat, steal? We become fake, hardened, selfish. Consumed by our sick and monopolized world. This is such a sad and bitter way to look at all of this. But some day’s I just feel too tired to look at it any differently. My mind becomes blurred with resentment and there is a wish that burns deeper than ever. You know those two words, “If only...”
Why did that unfamiliar, cold hand have to slap my newly exposed butt. Why did I grow out of innocence and become exposed to this whole “competition.” Well, number one, it isn’t a competition. I think it is time that many of us accepted that reality. Number two, we all our equal competitors and we do not by any means have to be rotted with self-serving cravings. Take a step above your false impulses and next time you consider pushing someone off of the cliff, grab their hand instead. Next time you find your words oozing with false intentions, stop, restart and be incorruptible. I promise I will try these things as well. This race is not real. It was created by a world in which none of us win. Things will continue to be messy, but that’s alright, let’s just try extracting ourselves from the mess. I am tired. I am withdrawing myself from this fraudulent contest. Please join.

The Leaf That Mocked Me.

So I’m driving home tonight and there is a yellow leaf sitting in my windshield wipers. It looks as if it was strategically placed in order to prolong it’s ending life. Safe and secure, proud of itself for the grip it has taken. My hand moves quicker than my brain, and please don’t think I am morbid, but I am reaching for my windshield wipers before I even realize I am about to crush it’s yellow hopes and dreams of holding on just a little longer. As I take my first vicious strike I find myself thinking “let’s get rid of this leaf!... why is it even there?... was I even parked under a tree?... I can’t remember.” First strike and no movement from the leaf. Failure gets the best of me and I take my second strike with more force. Yellow and proud, it is as if it is laughing at my frustration with failure. Does this leaf know me? He sticks around to laugh in my face. Then, before another thought consumes my mind or before I take a third strike he dances off and I feel a bit jealous of how much control he has of his life.
Now I find myself coming to a stop as there is a Mom and son crossing the street hand-in-hand. I look at them and make eye-contact with the mom first. She waves thankfully at me for stopping and attempting to keep their lives safe. Then my gaze shifts and I meet the eyes of the adorable little boy who is mimicking his mom, arm stretched out toward me. I can’t help but wave at him and he moves a little slower, almost pausing in the street to smile as big as he knows possible and wave back.
As I drive on I can feel a tightness in my cheeks, looking in the rearview mirror I see a large, dorky smile has spread from ear to ear. In this moment, genuine happiness, joy. Not that I am normally unhappy or bitter, but it was so unexpected. Smiling as the journey continues. Joyful, content, balanced. My mind is pulled back to that yellow leaf, like he is tapping on my shoulder whispering, “I had a lesson for you my dear.”
If we don’t take the time to look at something, we may never even notice that it’s there. Focus on the beauty in something as simple as a leaf. Appreciation is key. Appreciate the people crossing the street. Appreciate the fallen leaves. Appreciate movement. This means that we should recognize the full worth of everything. Indulge in a deep breath and appreciate it. Breath keeps us alive.