Here's To Love & Cheap Champagne.

I rang in 2008, sitting in one of my best friends basements. Raising plastic cups with cheap champagne and hugging my closest friends. Kissing good-bye the hardest year of my life and eagerly anticipating a fresh start. I awaited the new year knowing that there was more in store for me than a hardened heart and broken spirit. I knew that waiting for me on the other side of 12:00 was a year of experience and growing. I knew that Australia was awaiting my arrival in less then a month and my patience was slowly diminishing. Getting away from the current state my soul existed and breaking into a foreign place where I could be whoever I wanted. No longer would I remain tied to my circumstances, my influences, nor the calamity I was choking on.
In a country known as the ‘land down under’ I was ready to commence on my journey of self-discovery. And maybe even more than a journey you could call it my escape, my run-away, or my jailbreak. Whatever you want to call it.. it was my chance to learn how to breathe again. So off I went, a girl who lost herself in 2007. She was scared that the cement in her lungs may never allow her to breathe again. She was terrified she might fail. She was a nervous-excited for the potential in this adventure. And I say ‘she’ because the girl that left for Oz, is not the same one that returned.
Over the last year I have learnt many lessons. Lessons about life and love. I learnt that the people who matter most will always be there no matter how you hurt them or they hurt you. I learnt that I am independent and I can do things on my own. I learnt that it’s okay to be vulnerable. Life can hurt, hearts can break, messes can be made, and tears most definitely can be shed. I learnt that family doesn’t always come from blood. You have a given family, and a chosen one. I learnt that love is found in strange places and sometimes that love will make you wait. I learnt that it is important to have faith that moves mountains, but it is okay to be in your own wilderness. People let you down time and time again, but don’t let the pain bruise your heart. There is power in humbleness and forgiveness. I learnt that trying new things is fun, even if it ends up sucking! I learnt that being positive and trying to look at the sunny side of things is the better path. There is good in everyone even if it’s hard to find; there is love for loveless. It is important to recognize what you have and not take people or things for granted. I learnt that you can’t let people make you feel obligated and guilty. I learnt that you have to do what is right for you sometimes, even if other people demand different. I learnt that guilt is not a healthy feeling. I learnt that if you get to know anyone enough you can find a connection, no matter what age, race, sex, religion, lifestyle, or class. If you listen more than you talk you learn a lot. Everyone has a story and everyone is searching. I learnt that I am organized and responsible in a messy way! I learnt that I enjoy creativity and standing out, they make my heart beat. I am truly blessed. Really 2008 held a lot of lessons for me and I could continue this list for a huge duration of time, but I won’t bore you anymore. Maybe you didn’t even make it this far, but I hope that 2008 held many lessons for you and that 2009 will be full of love, lessons, laughter, tears, surprises, joy, pain, all of it. Love life, love people, because above everything else love is all we need. Cliche or not. It’s truth.

Fear in the Front Seat.

The cuffs are too tight and they leave the wrists bruised and bloody. Fear is a crippler. Just another handicap that restrains tortured souls. It haunts every thought and dream preventing us from any significant amount of progress. We purchase this bottle of poison willingly. We would even fight another for the last bottle on the shelf. Ignorance is hardly bliss yet we ignore the warnings on the label and consume on our own free will. Back down from that shelf. You are not a magnet. Lower your shaking hands. Open your glazed over eyes and stop. Look at what the deterrent says. Toxic, corrosive, irritant, explosive, harmful to the environment. All of those things are running through our veins because we chose to ingest- contently uneducated. Day in and day out we live with our jaws stretched open. Maybe at one time we didn’t devour this fear on our own accord. Only now it isn’t so painful because we have adapted to the sensation and maybe even grown to enjoy it. Now it is simply as if we are being spoon-fed. Fear masks our every suspicion. Paranoia is the restraint that ties us to our own grave. We quickly find ourselves skeptical of anything that sounds just slightly too good to be true. Fear just seems so much easier than trust. It’s our self-destructive way of protecting ourself. Fear has nothing to do with love and everything to do with retribution.

Superheroes Cry Too.

And he said to me: “If it were up to us to save the world.. we’d be screwed.”
My boyfriend is a smart boy. Too mature for his age and a heart that’s too big for his chest. Last night as a l lay in bed, with my duvet suffocating my every breath and tears streaming down my face I was gently soothed by the words of a boy who deserves a better title. Sometimes words are only words, and sometimes they are so much more. If I asked anyone of you I bet that 9 out of 10 would say that sometimes they feel like they can’t do it or that they aren’t good enough. Maybe even all 10 would agree. And here I lay in my bed- just last night, broken and numb. Clingy to the false perception that I am in no way good enough. Reality check sweetie, you will never be perfect- whatever that even means. But guess what? It’s okay.
Last night I stared reality in the face. I can’t save the world. Who doesn’t want to be a superhero? Who doesn’t want to do all they can to save humankind? Who doesn’t want to see this world in a better state then it currently is? Reality tells me that I can’t erase the darkness of this world. At the same time it tells me that I can help.
It isn’t me. Nor was it ever me. I wasn’t created a girl to save the world. But I was created to make a difference. Bring some light. And more simple then all of that.. love. If it were up to any of us, we couldn’t save the universe. We would all end up in ruins. Probably in an even more messed up state then we find ourselves. We weren’t asked to be something we aren’t. And we were not asked to do a job that isn’t ours.
There is a prominent force in this world. A benevolent one that is out there with us, day in and day out. He is the one that will bring this world to peace. That will have this planet on it’s knees. He will restore all of the broken and bring justice to a species in need.
So in the mean time, when life gets rough, when things feel hopeless, always cling to the truth that there is a promise our desperate world will be saved.
Bring your weary, worn out soul, and rest it in the only thing that breathes life back into the lungs of a collapsed spirit.
In one conversation. One prayer. One reminder of love and hope. I learnt many things. Things I may have known. But needed a firm reminder of. My boyfriend is a smart boy. And he said to me: “If it were up to us to save the world.. we’d be screwed.”