From Lessons Learned.

I am a human. Just a creature with a heart as a compass and two feet as my transport. It is inevitable that I will make mistakes while being led by a young and naive heart. But it is guaranteed that I’ll receive forgiveness. The hardest part though, is learning to forgive myself. Because it is kind of like that itch that never goes away. Irritating your skin till its dry and sore. I question constantly where this forgiveness comes from. The answer is still uncertain. I regret little in my life, but the few things that linger in my soul I hold close to my heart. I let them control my compass. They are a reminder of who I once was and the choices I once made. They are lessons learned.
Guilt is a poison. It knows this way of slowly seeping into your breath. It enters your brain. Your heart. Unveiling itself in an art that only guilt knows. It wraps around your feet and travels upward leaving your body in a cast. Stiff and awkward. And sometimes when you try to break the cast, it feels as if it just added 10 more layers all while mocking your brave attempts.
The compass I carry is sometimes incredibly heavy, and sometimes it feels as if it has feet. Sometimes it feels like my greatest accomplishment and other times it feels like my darkest secret. It’s a combination of success and failure. It has knee deep scratches and smudges that rub off easy. There are times when I know I am not the one bearing it. It is sustained by something much larger than itself. Much larger than myself. But as I ramble on with my feet and compass, one thing is certain, that forgiveness eliminates guilt and forgiveness offers freedom. There will always be what once was, there will always be what is to come, and there will always be choice. I can only pray that I choose what is just.

Just A Mess.

The lump in my throat continues to grow. It becomes almost suffocating as I tell myself to remember to breathe. Each breath aches like that pounding organ in my chest. Swallowing takes a special technique. You have to maneuver the air to move past that lump in your throat. Just practice. In time you will master it. My palms sweat like I've been holding on to some rope for dear life. Time moves fast but everything feels slow. The butterflies that dance in my stomach are really just the acids that exist. Butterfly sounds prettier, but acid is the way that I feel now. Nostalgic and restless, like the most important part of me is about to be ripped away. Once again time found its way to close in. There is a slow decay. Patience wears thin and cynicism creeps. I’ve been here before. A silence burns in the air. Inhale the fumes and exhale sadness. It’s heavy and it leaves my lungs raw. A missing is about to occur. The way your neck misses a scarf in the fall or the way your hands miss mittens in the winter. Technology suppresses a small amount of the pain and love conquers it. But the hearts of two so intertwined still miss. They feel the separation, the bleeding of a severed part. They feel uncertain of how to live apart when they are meant to be as one. I feel now as though I’m in a strange land, with unfamiliar streets and unwelcoming sidewalks. I have been lingering for a moment too long. Act fast. Time will always tick. Only action will be the bearer of success. No more strings hold me. No more burdens ride me. It’s just me left and you waiting. Your hand stretches far and your voice is calling me home. So as I feel this missing, I sense the end is near. This lump will retire and we can breathe together.